With that said, big promises. Since January, I've made roughly higher than minimum wage, yet I've saved my company lots of money. Designing websites, business cards, making business deals and networking. No, I haven't closed any deals, but I'm not sales. It's not my function. I try to frame it to my boss. I remember him saying 'I'm tired of spending money on people not bringing in anything'. Since it's not my function to make sales, I must constantly remind him so that he doesn't perceive me in an inaccurate light.
This week, my family went on vacation. That's right. Everyone except me went back home. I mentioned it to my boss rather cavalierly, thinking that perhaps he'd respond with something reasonable. Perhaps he'd say 'Oh, don't worry about it, go visit your family, we'll take care of things while you're gone'. Nope. It's good, you need to stay here.
He wakes up before noon most days, leaves without telling me he's gone, pays me on time most weeks, although we're currently behind a week and a half. Do I have a job? I wonder sometimes.
Here I am at home, family in another state, figuring out how to spend my weekend alone. I've got my own side business that I can't figure out how to brand, or what the hell it even is. I need to brainstorm with a branding strategist. Funny, my cards have branding on the list of my expertise </plural>, yet I can't quite figure out what it is I do.
Am I waiting for something that will never come? Am I allowing myself to be used? Do I care? I have remained unattached from this, yet I can tell that a part of it is still eating away at my core. Can I be me and function in society? Is there a place for me at the table? What am I waiting for? Is it worth the cost to reap the benefits.
Part of me says that the big promises will come through within the next month. If it's not happening by June, I'm out. In fact, I may drop out after this 'booming' season regardless. It's not worth the money to destroy myself in the process.
As for my situation, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and I'm 23 years old. I feel behind the curve and like I'm playing it safe. I don't want to work a 9 to 5 job; I would hate having to punch in a time clock. I'd rather be my own boss and have my own business somehow where I could then dictate my own life. My father's a business man. He quit his job when I was around 15 and has been self-employed ever since. I've learned a lot from him and am sort of playing it safe by following his business model. My dream isn't his, but I may adopt his, but by doing so I feel like a child. I'd much rather find my own way in life, take risk, and make something of myself on my own but I'm too afraid and feel I lack a plan or even a way. Although I am taking the necessary incremental steps towards something, I'm not exactly sure what that something is yet, if anything. There's a saying, "make what you love doing a career and you'll never have to work a day in your life." We all have our passions, but how many of us actually figure out how to turn those passions into gold? Oh how we love living within the shadows of other peoples success. Sometimes I envy the animal kingdom in that their only mission in life is to just live, sleep, eat, and fuck... oh how beautifully simplistic and wonderful that world would be, but there's also a dark side to the animal kingdom and human nature. We're competitive creatures, it's survival of the fittest baby, a dog eat dog world and you better man up or shut up. Am I materialistic, to a degree I think I am, all these luxuries enhance my life. However the two extremes either having great luxury, but no life or having a life, but no luxury seems no way to live in the 21st century, perhaps the best way to live is somewhere in the middle.
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